Thursday, November 27, 2008


it may be cliche to post a 'happy thanksgiving' post about all of the things i am grateful for, but those of you who know me know that i am cliche : ) so here it goes:

i am thankful for my great parents who are being so supportive of me right now. during this time of struggle with my depression i have needed almost constant 'supervision' until my new meds start working. they have been wonderful to me!

i am thankful for my diligent friends who keep checking up on me : ) you really do find out who your friends are when you go through hard times.

i am thankful that maggie is almost oblivious to what is going on with me. she still mopes a little and is cuddling with me a lot, but her tail still never stops wagging. playing with her and watching her run around makes me forget about my circumstances and cheers me up.

i am thankful for my job and the wonderful benefits that they have. so many people are out of work right now and are wondering where they are going to get money to eat and pay rent. my job has been paying me IN FULL during my time away on disability. what a blessing!

last but not least, i am thankful for my faith and that God has blessed me with His grace. every day i fail and fall short of what He requires, but every day He forgives me and shows me that true love restores the heart. i can't tell you why He allows bad things to happen in this world, but i can tell you that He is the greatest comfort i have ever found.

i hope that you can make your own list, however short or long, about what you are thankful for this year. it really does put things in perspective and makes me realize that even when we face struggles, we are still so blessed and are never without cause to be thankful.

happy thanksgiving everyone!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

a wii bit of fun

last night i spent some time at my friend d's house playing wii. if you have never played wii, you need to make fast friends with someone who has one and get to playing. i have been wanting one for a while but didn't want to make the big leap and purchase one until i had a chance to play it and decide if i really couldn't live without it. tennis, bowling, baseball and guitar hero are really fun. i am basically a bowling master already. my roommate n and i really want to get a video game console so that we can sing karaoke american idol style ( after seeing baby mamma, we decided we couldn't live without this game for long ).

i was never a video gamer as a kid or teen. i don't have great hand-eye coordination so when mario brothers came out in the 80's and i couldn't even get past the first level, i gave up on 'vids'. wii, however, is another story and i cannot see myself going longer than a year without purchasing this for myself.

it's a brave new world

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

gotta keep singing

i have loved this song for quite some time now, but today it seemed especially fitting seeing what i am going through right now. here are the words:

keep singing
by mercy me

another rainy day
i can't recall having sunshine on my face
all i feel is pain
all i wanna do is walk out of this place

but when i am stuck and i can't move
and i don't know what i should do
when i wonder if i'll ever make it through

i gotta keep singing
i gotta keep praising your name
you're the one who's keeping my heart beating

i gotta keep singing
i gotta keep praising your name
that's the only way that i find healing

can i climb up in your lap, i don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
i gotta keep singing

can i climb up in your lap, i don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me, you're everything i need
i gotta keep singing

...helps to put things in perspective and remind me that my Healer is always standing by, waiting for me to call on Him. Jesus never promised us a perfect life, and He certainly never said we would never suffer. there is a way to remain hopeful in our hopelessness, though. i am firm in my faith in Christ however hard the waves may crash against me.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

i give up

this post is really a downer, so if you don't feel like slitting your wrists today, i suggest you move on to something else.

i give up on trying to be responsible
i give up on investing in people only to have them spit in my face
i give up on hoping people will 'come around'
i give up on feeling guilty for things that aren't even my fault
i give up on trying to be open and share my life with others
i give up on giving people the benefit of the doubt

i give in to being cynical
i give in to being jaded
i give in to being hardened
i give in to being apathetic
i give in to becoming a person i don't even like for the sake of not having to struggle

i am going away with my mom for a few days to regain some type of sanity and life. i figured this would be a better option than joining a cult. not that being with my mom is like being in a cult... that's not the point i am making. the point is that i am extremely low. i have had serious thoughts lately of packing my belongings, as much as would fit in my car, and just moving somewhere. joining a life that my family and friends disapprove of so that i could cut ties and start over. i just want to withdraw from this life and start a new one. maybe then i could feel freer to show my true emotions and be a genuine person. or maybe i would find that no matter where you go, people are always going to let you down and there is no sense in trying to avoid it. learn to live with the bitterness and disappointment.

who knows