hard times on the horizon

right now i am watching office space, not a great movie i know. but in the scene a moment ago peter undergoes (is that the right word?) hypnosis and suddenly doesn't have many inhibitions and is living pretty free and easy. man, i'd like to be him right now. sometimes life gets a little rough and i would just like to skate through unscathed. i don't want to necessarily 'check out' and i don't want to not be alive of course, but i would just like to be able to walk around in a daze not recognizing the stuff around me that i don't want to notice.

lately i have been getting very anxious at work again. things are ramping up as far as getting ready for our busy 'season' and i am not a fan of customers yelling at me on the phone. i don't understand why people think they have the right to yell at me just because they are mad. it's rude and i hate it. i feel powerless because there is not much i can do about the situation. for most customers there is no settling the situation, they just want to yell and vent. i am the lucky recipient of their bad day and feelings about the bad economy.

also, i have a tendency to take on other people's issues as my problem to deal with. issues that they don't even know they have, but i see in them. i get upset and judgemental when they make what i consider to be bad decisions. it isn't my problem to deal with the repercussions of their choices so why do i care?

i think it goes beyond just wanting things to always go my way and everyone doing what i think they should be doing. i hate the feeling of powerlessness. i hate feeling like life goes on around me and there is nothing i can do to change it. the scene in office space just now was the montage of peter doing things his way. he takes down the wall in his cubicle so that he has a window view, he goes into work late (not in dress code)after fishing in the morning, then guts the fish at his desk on the famous tps reports. the song in the background is (yeah i cleaned it up) 'dang it feels good to be a gangsta'.

i wanna be a gangsta for a day. do what i want to do, make my life how i want it to be. all on my terms without a care for what the consequences may be. i take myself too seriously as it is.

pray for me to be able to chill out.