since i have been on disability these last several weeks, i have been trying to pin point what threw me off course, if there was one thing in particular. while this may not be the 'the thing' that made me go crazy it certainly was one of the straws that broke the camel's back. that thing is expectations.
i am a person who has high expectations. i expect a lot out of myself. i expect a lot of my family. i expect a lot from my friends and those that i live with. i expect a lot from those that i work with and for. i don't expect perfection out of anyone but myself, but i do desire to see everyone else at least try to reach perfection or 'compliance' (if you will).
in comparing my expectations to those of other people and what they consider 'high' expectations, i found that my expectations were not that high. this depresses me even further. the fact that my expectations are not actually even high yet everyone seems to still not measure up. it was one thing to think 'maybe i am asking too much of people. that's why they never meet my expectation'. it's another thing to ponder 'it turns out i am not asking that much out of people, yet they still let me down. does this mean they don't care about me? does it mean that they are just plain irresponsible? does this mean that they are dumb and don't know how to do whatever simple thing i want them to be doing?'
these questions in the head of a passive aggressive person like me is not good. i don't like confrontation because i have never gotten good results from it. people just end up feeling guilty or shamed into whatever it is that i need/want from them and that's not the goal. on the other hand, passive aggressive techniques are lost on people who are clueless to their surroundings so i don't see results there either. again, this further depresses me because i feel helpless to fix the situation. i feel like i have to live with these conditions and i don't know how to. sure i could pick up everyone elses slack, but i shouldn't have to do that. there are measures put in place so that everyone can share the load (the expectation) yet when the load is not shared it all piles on to one person's shoulders (the dissapointment and depression and resentment begins).
i don't know how to live with expectations and i don't know how to live without them. however, until i learn how to assert myself and gain compliance to my expectations i am going to have to drop all expectations i have of others. so there you go world, i expect nothing of you.
now why do i feel even more depressed??