mission statement

after reading a post on another blog about how a mission statement and defining core values helped define the bloggers purpose and goals, i decided it might be something i should do too. if you know me at all, or have been following the blog for a while, you can probably see a thread of aimlessness and lack of concrete direction in my life. there are so many things i am passionate about and so many things that i would love to do. i feel oppressed by the daily grind and the obligation to hold down a regular job in order to pay bills and such. there will always be bills to pay, and there will always be opportunities to serve others. so how do i find a balance? how do i know which opportunity or obligation i should follow first? how do the demands of everyday life line up with meeting my goals, and what do they look like against the priorities and values i know God has placed in my life?

so far, other than prayer and reading scripture, i haven't had a way to say 'yes, this lines up with my goals and values' or 'no, this doesn't have a place in my life right now because it does not line up with my goals and values' because i hadn't evaluated my goals and values! of course i believe that every decision we make should be bathed in prayer; but there are some times (i believe) when God says 'I have told you what you should be doing, you don't need to be asking me. I have made it clear'. it would be like noah asking God 'so, God, should i go to the lumber store today or should i hang out at starbucks?'. noah should know the answer. God gave him very clear directions. i feel like this is what my vision and mission statements are, as well as defining those core values that really get to the core of the passions God has placed in my heart. the importance of these statements is also why i say 'matter' after each of my core values. to me, it reinforces the notion that these things are big, substantial, meaningful, leading, defining statements. there is no guessing what i value.

please remember that these are things God has laid on MY heart. i am not saying that you should do this very exercise tonight and it should be just like mine. of course i think some of them would be beneficial for all people since they are rooted in scripture, but i am not here to convict you or put words in God's mouth.

without further ado:

vision statement:
to live a simple, intentional, outwardly facing life in order to share God's love, healing, truth and plan with the world.
1 Thess 4:11, 1 Tim 2:2, Micah 6:8, Titus 2:3-5, 11-13

mission statement:
living simply through wise financial stewardship and self sustainability; being intentional in hospitality, giving, and disciplined in time management; giving to people and organizations out of my abundance or sacrifice, that they may have the tools they need to change their life or others'; pursuing education in order to develop skills that will help others, leading them to the saving knowledge of Jesus through his physical and spiritual healing.

core values:

Personal Time Matters (Ps. 23:2; Zeph. 3:17; 1 Peter 3:3-5)

• Must happen every day
• Separate from devotions
• For reflection, relaxation and decompression

Hospitality Matters (Prov. 31:20, Rom 13:8)

• Friends, family, ministry
• Open door philosophy

Home Organization and Routine Matter (Prov. 6:6-8, 21:5, 31:21-22 & 27; 1 Thes 4:11)

• Lessens anxiety by providing a framework for home management
• Creates an inviting environment for hospitality
• Prepares for marriage and family management

Giving and Social Justice Matters (James 1:22; Prov. 31:8-9, 20, Ps 10:17-18, 33:5, 140:12; Micah 6:8, Lev. 19:9-18; Deut. 24:17)

• Giving of finances, time, materials or other support to individuals or organizations
• Supporting those who stand up for justice (voting, prayer)

Health Matters (Gen. 1:26-27; Ps. 139:13-14; Prov. 3:5-7)

• Diet, exercise, sleep
• Honoring God and seeking Him first in medical treatment

Stewardship Matters (Matt. 6:24; Prov. 14:29, 21:20, 22:7, 31:27; 1 Cor. 13:11; Gen. 1:31)

• Financial
• Time
• Earth 

some of the verses, if you looked them up, would seem a little 'odd' to be placed with their particular subjects. that's okay, because i know why i put it there :) that's the benefit of it being mine!

i already feel much more calmed in my spirit, knowing that i have some foundations laid for myself. i feel like i can really establish myself as an individual with a great calling and purpose, not a wanderer.

i am so thankful that God laid this out, and that he guided my thoughts as i worked through this. i hope to revisit this once a year and add, tweek, remove whatever needs changing in order to bring it in line with where God has me at that time. 

a new adventure

well, i am embarking on a new adventure this month! 5 days ago i signed up to be an Arbonne Independent Consultant. over the last few months i have really fallen in love with the products Arbonne provides, and a couple of weeks ago, i really fell in love with the business.

if you are a regular reader of my blog (and there hasn't been much lately, i am sorry!) you know that i am pretty discontent with life as it stands right now. i don't like working 40 hours a week. i don't like having debt. i don't like not being in control of when i work or who i work with. i don't like the thought of never being able to adopt because i don't have the money. i don't like not being able to give to causes i believe in for lack of funds. these are just some of my 'why's' for joining the Arbonne team. i am so happy to have HOPE that if i work hard enough i can finally live the life i envision.

a little over a year ago, God placed a vision in my heart for what my life and family would look like. i had such hope for a while, looking at that vision and seeing the joy and freedom in it. after a while though, i got really discouraged because i realised that some of the things i see in this picture could never happen doing what i am doing now. i wondered why God had given me this vision and why he would make me want something so badly and then not show me a way to get it. not to sound cheesy, but i really believe that when i prayed a couple of weeks ago for a way out of this lifestyle, He brought Arbonne to me. the products are great on my skin...i have terribly sensitive skin; the products also fit into my quest to use only natural products and support businesses that have green practices. the potential for income is really appealing, and i see how God will use this opportunity to grow me.

i say all of this not to drum up sales or to get people to join the company and sell (well, unless you want to and feel the Lord leading you the same way He lead me!) but to really share with you why i am excited about this new chapter. i love selling, i love meeting new people, i love being in charge of my schedule and i love having HOPE.

wow, two in a row

even though these posts are a couple of months apart, sorry there are two downers in a row. i promise, i'm not turning this into a blog of lamentations :)

i must express some of my feelings though, not only to clear my own head but maybe to glean a little bit of advise or an 'i've been there too' from someone. sometimes it's good to know i'm not just a demanding jerk, and that what i'm thinking is normal.

there are a few things in life that i hate. things that i absolutely detest, and are definite deal breakers when it comes to the status of a relationship. being called a liar: probably number one on the list. number two (and the one i struggle with lately): being used.

i'm pretty sure no one likes feeling used. i think it's probably universal that people want their love, attention, good works, kindness, thoughtfulness returned by those they have bestowed these things on. i do not do these things with the intention of being repaid, but it gets really tiring to be the one who does these nice things and never gets anything back. am i the worlds best friend? no. a resounding NO. but i really try to do nice things for people and consider others in my actions.

example:
i try to leave a couple of minutes in the morning before heading to work to start the dishwasher or take out the recycling or tidy up. this not only eases my mind throughout the day, knowing that i did one or two things for the good of the household but since i am half of a team taking care of this house, it is a way to pitch in and get things done. i don't do it because it's the first thing i think of in the morning. i do it because i am intentional in trying to do something good, something that needs to be done. my eyes are always open to the things that need to be done. without being aware of my surroundings, everything would be left for my roommate to do or it wouldn't get done at all. living in a household with another person requires you to have your eyes peeled, take of the blinders and think of the big picture. for my own good, and that of the household.

ejemplo dos:
i listen to people when they are talking. if they are telling me their grocery list, if they are pouring their heart out to me, if they are telling a story-i listen. i do this because it is respectful and because i value that other person.

again, i don't do these things in order to be repaid. we can all think of the things we do to be 'nice' to others that we don't expect to be repaid or at least repaid in kind. but when you do 'whatever-it-is-that-makes-you- a-good-person', don't you hate it when there are people in your life that seem like they don't even realize that you are doing something nice? like they just expect it? this is what i hate. it makes my blood boil so hot that i'm surprised there is not steam coming from my skin.

i want to say 'how dare you be so involved in yourself that you don't think of others!' or 'your schedule/free time activities/family issues do not preclude you from being nice or thinking of others' needs!' it is normally those that are closest to us that offend us the most. the wounds that they cause are a lot deeper than those that people on the 'fringe' of our lives cause. how many couples get in fights because one person feels like they are always the one to take out the trash? how many friends fight because one half of the relationship feels that they are always the one to initiate social activities or the one who 'listens' while the other one is constantly gushing their drama?

for those of us on the receiving end of, well, NOT receiving, it's easy to feel used. you feel like the things you do are just expected and glossed over by those around you. you don't need or want a parade in your honor. if you are like me, you don't even need your actions recognized in the form of a thank you or a 'good job, sport'. you just want someone to do their part. pitch in. think about the big picture. think about others. think of how their actions or failure to act will effect others. something i heard a couple of years ago that i am really trying to ingrain in my mind, is a question which is to be asked whenever you notice something that needs done. i leave you with the question:

if not me, who? if not now, when? if not this, what?

hard times on the horizon

right now i am watching office space, not a great movie i know. but in the scene a moment ago peter undergoes (is that the right word?) hypnosis and suddenly doesn't have many inhibitions and is living pretty free and easy. man, i'd like to be him right now. sometimes life gets a little rough and i would just like to skate through unscathed. i don't want to necessarily 'check out' and i don't want to not be alive of course, but i would just like to be able to walk around in a daze not recognizing the stuff around me that i don't want to notice.

lately i have been getting very anxious at work again. things are ramping up as far as getting ready for our busy 'season' and i am not a fan of customers yelling at me on the phone. i don't understand why people think they have the right to yell at me just because they are mad. it's rude and i hate it. i feel powerless because there is not much i can do about the situation. for most customers there is no settling the situation, they just want to yell and vent. i am the lucky recipient of their bad day and feelings about the bad economy.

also, i have a tendency to take on other people's issues as my problem to deal with. issues that they don't even know they have, but i see in them. i get upset and judgemental when they make what i consider to be bad decisions. it isn't my problem to deal with the repercussions of their choices so why do i care?

i think it goes beyond just wanting things to always go my way and everyone doing what i think they should be doing. i hate the feeling of powerlessness. i hate feeling like life goes on around me and there is nothing i can do to change it. the scene in office space just now was the montage of peter doing things his way. he takes down the wall in his cubicle so that he has a window view, he goes into work late (not in dress code)after fishing in the morning, then guts the fish at his desk on the famous tps reports. the song in the background is (yeah i cleaned it up) 'dang it feels good to be a gangsta'.

i wanna be a gangsta for a day. do what i want to do, make my life how i want it to be. all on my terms without a care for what the consequences may be. i take myself too seriously as it is.

pray for me to be able to chill out.

yikes! it's been a while, eh?

well hello again friends! :) i'm not quite sure what caused me to be so derelict in my blogging but i promise it will never happen again. i know i've kept you all waiting on the edge of your seats the last three months ; )
seeing that it HAS been three months since i have posted, let me fill you in!
october...nothing really interesting happened. didn't do anything on halloween, i think i may have been sick?
november....not too much to report in the beginning of the month. middle of the month becky and i applied for our new apartment (which we now live in...details up soon) and i started getting ready for yet ANOTHER move this year. i have moved 6 times in the last 4 years. i'm done moving to say the least! thanksgiving was super low key. mom had pneumonia so i made dinner for dad, seth and myself. it turned out really well, and i made it super easy on myself by doing the sweet potatoes and green beans in crockpots. i highly recommend this method of cooking! it totally left the oven open for cooking the turkey and dressing. it also cut down on some of my 'kitchen time' since the crockpots were already cooking away. the down side of thanksgiving was when i realized that the dishwasher detergent compartment was not closing. at. all. this meant that i got to wash all of the dishes by hand. i know some of you who do not have a dishwasher would not think this is a huge deal. please understand me. i am a child of the 80's. i have never in my youth or adulthood lived in a house without a dishwasher. washing a dinner's (especially thanksgiving) worth of dishes is not fun. it hurt my back and gave me dishpan hands. sick.
black friday was great fun, as i went shopping with my dear friend carla. we hit target, bed bath and beyond and joann fabrics. scored big time on some things i have been holding our for like a cricut cutting machine for crafting. i got it $100 off!!
at the beginning of december i moved into the apartment. for the first couple of weeks i was by myself as becky hadn't moved yet. it was refreshing to be here alone for a while. for the last year and a half i have lived with other people (roomies and my family) so it was nice to have the place to myself and have some alone time. as time went on and becky moved in, the house started looking more like it was inhabited by women and not college aged males. we're still not completely settled, but it is definitely liveable. i am excited to have a spare room (we got a 3 bed/2bath apt) where i will be able to set up my craft and sewing stuff. the thing i hate about crafting is having to pack everything up and put it away. such a buzz kill! but once i get that all set up i won't have to worry about that anymore. it will be so fun and i'm sure i will craft a whole lot more than i do now.
there are more things i am going to post on soon, like recent awesome developments in my health and what the Lord is doing in this little life of mine. stay tuned. same bat time, same bat channel.

i promise it's not about food

friday night becky and i went out to eat and then went and saw 'julie and julia'. we had a great dinner at olive garden and were excited to see the movie cause it just looked so darn cute on previews. let me tell you, i really enjoyed the movie!

i really found myself seeing my stage in life reflected in julie's. at the time that julie was blogging and cooking her way through julia child's mastering the art of french cooking, she was: 29, not loving her job, in a rut and looking for inspiration. oh how i relate! i am even the same age! recently i have been trying to make sure that i stay inspired in my daily life. by this i mean, keeping something special to look forward to. whether it's cooking sunday dinner, taking a doula training class, getting my camera gear out and shooting somewhere, or making sure to keep an active social life i NEED something to get me through the day, because everydayaveragelife can get, well, average.

it was encouraging to see these women take a risk and follow through even though they got really discouraged. it took years for julia child to get her first cookbook published. draft after draft, she never gave up. julie even got discouraged when recipes were a flop, and when she and her husband suffered a brief separation. anyone who knows me knows that i am not a tenacious person. i rarely finish anything i start. knowing this about myself discourages me from the get-go when i want to start a project or venture. however, i am trying to change this!! i hate being a person who gives up. it is a character trait that i do not find attractive in others yet i seem to be so adept at it :) even the thought of trying to become a more committed person is a little intimidating. but i have to stick to it. so many people have faced more adversity than i have and have come through with a smile on their face...at the finish line.

even though it was 'just a movie' it was the retelling of two true stories of two women who did not give up. i hope to tell my own story of tenacity and commitment some day. soon.

a post of blogs

some of my friends have been asking me lately what blogs i stalk on a regular basis. these questions usually come around because i am quoting yet ANOTHER blog post i read, or raving about a new blog i found in the blogosphere. i am a bit nerdy now about finding interesting blogs and after a while these complete strangers start to become your 'friends'.
i wanted to dedicate a post to introducing my friends to some of the blogs i follow so they too can be nerdy blog stalkers :)

introducing:
lindsay,the passionate homemaker
the mennonite ladies
toni,the happy housewife
kimi,the nourishing gourmet
kristen, the harried homemaker
carrie, at it's frugal being green
laura, the organizing junkie
rachel, at the high chair

at passionate homemaking you will find frugal, delicious meals that are healthy and natural. lindsay has great ideas for organizing, simplifying and maintaining your home; child care; gardening and natural, frugal living. she is a great christian woman whom i have had the pleasure of meeting recently (!) and provides really great insight on the high calling of womanhood.

i have just found mennonitegirlscancook! i love it! the recipes are mouthwatering and very down home. they remind me a lot of church potlucks :) and the kind of food i l-o-v-e to eat. i also really appreciate the occasional devotional post, as they are so encouraging!

toni is the happy housewife. please, before you start in on her posts, read her story! the Lord has transformed her heart, her marriage and subsequently her life and it makes her posts so much more meaningful, i think, knowing that she is so sincere in her striving to serve her family. she has great parenting tips, money management ideas, and as a long-time military wife lots of insight into base living. i really like her recipe posts also!

the nourishing gourmet is a site i found a couple of weeks ago while trolling for blogs that supported nourishing traditions methods. kimi has a great repertoire of healthful recipes and kitchen tips. i don't know about you, but i am ALWAYS looking for a new recipe to try :) she is also a strong christian and approaches her food and family care from a Biblical perspective.

the frugal antics of a harried homemaker is a great site. kristen gives advise and ideas that fall totally in line with the title of her site. dinners are quick and cheap, money and time saving tips, and need i say it again...recipes :)

since i also like to visit sites that aren't food-based..haha..i follow the goings on of carrie at it's frugal being green. many frugal ideas are also green ones, because making your laundry detergent is cheap and earthfriendly for example. if you are new to the green scene i really suggest heading over to the blog site to get acquainted with natural, earthfriendly living.

laura is THE organizing junkie! she has great tips on organizing your house room by room, learning to purge, and doing 'life' organization too. her posts are very motivating, and if you read my post on the urge to purge, you will know where i got my inspiration! :)

last but not least is my friend rachel who maintains the high chair. i akin stalking rachels blog to being a fly on the walls of her house :) she's a gifted and funny writer who's stories will make you laugh hysterically :) rachel posts recipes, home organization tips, gardening ideas and parenting tips like cloth diapering. it helps that i know rachel personally and have met her husband and children, but i think you will connect with her posts as well!

so there you have it, my top blogs!! i hope you will check these ladies out and start stalking too :) if you have any sites you visit regularly, please leave a comment and let us know. i'm always up for more reading material!! :)

on my mind

i always have a lot on my mind. usually i can't focus on the task at hand until i have written out my thoughts or developed my plan of action. a sampling of my brain today:

-i don't think i'm getting enough sleep
-i really need to clean the kitchen
-can't wait till this weekend to remodel the bathroom
-hope everything goes well with the bathroom and we get everything done
-i really want starbucks but am trying not to spend money on it
-my schedule is filling up with doctors appointments
-how much is all the medical testing going to cost
-should i take doula training sooner or later
-the thought of birth makes me nervous
-if the thought of birth makes me nervous should i really be pursuing this field of work
-why do people claim that their divorce is for the good of their children
-why does everything at wendy's have meat on it...even the side caesar salad
-i am thankful for parents who were big enough to face their problems and not divorce
-i envy my girlfriends that are stay at home moms
-how can parents be so selfish as to not consider their children's well-being in every decision
-how are there sickos in the world who would prey on my friends children
-if i had a house with acreage i would have goats, alpacas, chickens and a no-kill dog rescue

i am so thankful to have a God who knows all my thoughts, worries, heartaches and joys. there is nothing that enters my mind or heart that He cannot see, cannot heal, cannot calm or cannot bless.

"why are you downcast, oh my soul? why are you so disturbed within me? put your hope in God, for i will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God" psalm 42:5

It's been a long time

Hello :)
i took a sabatical from blogging basically because my life was pretty boring for a while :) i have moved back in with my parents for a while to pay off my debt and save some money. this savings will either go to purchasing a condo or getting me back on my feet in an apartment so i can pursue education.
currently i am considering going to nursing school at clark which means i need to complete my prerequisites in a few sciences. i am not afraid of the courses since i love science and am in such a different place than i was when i was at clark years ago. okay, so i am actually in the same physical place, living w/ mom and dad but in a much different place emotionally and in my maturity. :)
if you have known my educational hopes in the past 6 months you might be wondering what happened to midwifery and lactation consulting. well, i have not given up on these but have moved them to the back of the educational line. while i could work independently as a lactation consultant, i would like to have the option of working in a hospital as it provides a more stable work schedule. the same goes for midwifery. in washington and oregon midwives and lactation consultants can practice outside of the hospital in homes and in birthing centers. however, this requires me to make a significant investment in supplies/facility that is a risk i don't really want to take. i grew up watching my parents struggle in their home-based businesses and i just don't like the insecurity of maybe or maybe not having 'customers'. to work in a hospital requires an RN for lactation and a masters degree in midwifery for being a nurse midwife. thus my decision to pursue my RN before anything else. besides, maybe going through my labor and delivery rotation will completely turn me off to the birth process...at least i have other options as an RN!
i have started going back to therapy on a weekly basis (i was down to once a month) and am hoping it will be a big help. i am just unable to take my antidepressants because of all the physical side effects, though the medicine works SO WELL to regulate my moods. i see a nice christian woman, which makes it easier to talk about all of my issues. she is able to offer support on an emotional, physical and spiritual level and i think that makes all the difference in the world when dealing with depression. though i am not a person who thinks that praying harder and reading your bible more will cure your mood disorder, spirituality definitely plays a part in recovering from these issues.
i have been having a ton of fun lately with my nephew jesse! we have been to the parks, the oregon zoo, we shop, cook and of course color. he's so well behaved and has such a great personality, i just love him being around. he likes coming over here too because he gets special blueberry 'pannycakes' and he also likes to chase and play with maggie.
i guess that's a brief synopsis of some of my life recently. i'll post a blog entry of pictures, and then one about my most recent trip to see my college roommies from NTBI.

laid up

for some reason my back went out this evening. it hasn't been this bad in a few years so it kind of took me by surprise. i have a factured vertebra (T-9 to be exact) and it has the tendancy to put pressure on the nerves that come off of that part of the spine. when that happens my back freezes up and is extremely painful. i can't move, it hurts to breathe...just overall unpleasant. i called my mom to come over and rescue me, which she did. i crawled over to the door and unlocked it so she could come in...i felt like i needed one of those life alert necklaces "i've fallen and i can't get up!"
feeling a bit better now, and i'm at least able to sit up straight and walk slowly. gonna take it easy though for the next couple days and make a visit to my chiropractor on monday.
please pray for healing! :)

5 years later

i just realized that it has been 5 years to the day since my cancer mis-diagnosis. i'll never forget the events of that week and how they impacted those around me. my poor parents who didn't quite know what to do or think; and seth who was in the doctor's office with me when i was told my tumor had become cancerous. my friends didn't know what to say to comfort me, and my employer and teachers were thrown for a loop.
i had been diagnosed with a prolactinoma 7 years prior and had tried different medications to treat it, only to find that what didn't make me sick didn't shrink the tumor or was too expensive. i knew the health risks of not undergoing further treatment and kept a watchful eye on symptoms that would suggest my tumor was getting larger or was creating more problems. in january of 2004 i started experiencing some eye pain and my right eye was almost constantly hurting and blood-shot. this was alarming since the tumor sits right above the optic nerve and optic blood vessels. one major side effect of having a pituitary tumor is that you have the possibility of going blind or severely harming the nerves due to it's location. with this concern, i went to urgency care to get it checked out. one thing lead to another, i had an mri the next day and that evening they called me in to share my results...'but be sure to bring someone with you' they said. sheesh!! it was then that i knew something was up and that there was cause for greater concern. seth went with me and was holding my hand as the doctor explained that the tumor had become cancerous and that they were going to need to start treatment. he made an appointment for me to see a neurosurgeon on friday of that week to discuss my 'treatment options'. it was a pretty somber and frightening week. i withdrew from school, went on disability at starbucks and canceled all of my other commitments. i had peace throughout everything that the outcome of all of this would be good, but it still didn't calm my immediate fears of loosing my hair, having brain surgery, etc.
the end of my sureal week came on friday when the neurosurgeon told us (my parents were in the room with me this time) that he had consulted with other doctors and didn't feel that the tumor was cancerous. at first i was shocked and wondered if he was wrong. then i knew that it was the peaceful outcome God had promised me. the fear and anxiety drained out of my parents' faces and we were all glad to hear the good news. it was this event that served as a 'wake-up call' for me regarding my handling of the tumor issue. God very loudly and almost audibly told me that this was His problem to fix and that He would take care of it Himself. all other health matters were up to me to go to a doctor if i wanted, but for this He asked for my faith and patience. ever since, i have done just that. no worries about my tumor-only prayers lifting up my concerns to Him to address. He may never take it from me or allow me to seek medical treatment, and that has to be okay with me. in fact, it IS okay with me. it's such a great release to say 'i'm not dealing with that. God will take care of it if He wants to'. my doctors hate that response i'm sure, but i know i'm doing what i have been told to do by my Great Physician.

a new leaf

regardless of your flavor of politics, inauguration day should be a hopeful day. having a new president and all that he brings with him is a chance for our country to come and experience something new...TOGETHER. no one knows exactly what the future holds. not democrats. not republicans. not independents either. i hope that the people in this country who are not 'for' our new president can get over their reasons for not liking him and be positive about the opportunity for a fresh, new perspective. i have not always been in favor of President Obama, but pastor john bishop put it in perspective for me a few months ago. he stated that as Christians we know (because the Bible tells us so) that God is in control and that no matter who gets elected to the White House, they are carrying out His will.
there are a lot of celebrities and whatnot out there who are taking a pledge to serve the president and his causes during his term. why this hasn't happened before is beyond me...personally i think it's a bunch of hype. HOWEVER. today i am making my own pledge. i have a tendency to be very judgemental (as if i could run the country any better??) and very partisan. starting today i am hoping to change my mindset about our government and be more positive and supportive. i would like to challenge all of you to make your own pledge regarding this presidency and how you are going to support it or try to be positive about it. being negative, nagging, whiney and otherwise a 'downer' is not productive. we are AMERICANS and we are all in this together. let's act like grown-ups and get over our differences and serve our God by serving, willfully and cheerfully submitting to, and honoring our new government.
MY PLEDGE:
i will speak constructively about our government
i will see President Obama as the man God has placed as the head of our human government in the USA
i will make my voice heard on subjects i am passionate about by voting and writing constructive letters to those in power...not by whining and berating

up at 4:04am

well, it is pretty darn early here on the west coast. currently a little past 4 am...i am not tired. aargh. a small side effect of my medication is that sometimes i experience insomnia. it has been better lately but right now it might as well be noon! :)

just thought i'd share that with you all!

human trafficking on nbc

i have a friend who is working on the front lines to end human trafficking in developing countries. i received this information from her via email today and wanted to share it all with you so you could become a little more educated about this horrible trade of human lives.

Law & Order tells a compelling story of child slavery in New York on Wednesday night on NBC at 10 PM/9 central.


Two detectives on the show are investigating a double murder when they uncover and a child slave trade ring between Haiti and New York. "This is one of those rare episodes that touched everyone who worked on it," says Executive Producer Rene Balcer about what he calls probably the most powerful episode of the season. Rene told Free the Slaves, "Even our crusty thick-skinned editors were moved to tears by the ending. It also opened a lot of eyes to the present-day, modern-world reality of slavery and indentured servitude.
I would urge everyone who, as a result of this e-blast, watches the episode to call NBC thanking them for allowing the writers and producers of Law & Order to shine a spotlight on this issue." [NBC Viewer Services at 212-664-5740]Getting slavery into the mainstream is a core goal of FTS. We're thrilled that one of the most popular TV shows in history is highlighting slavery. The producers of the show were inspired to write the episode, "Chattel", after reading 'A Crime So Monstrous' by Ben Skinner. Ben traveled around the world researching slavery and visiting FTS' partners including in Haiti. The show illustrates some of the psychological complexity of working with the victims of slavery who have spent years living with deprivation and fear.
Keep in mind, the episode is not a documentary so when you hear Sam Waterson say there are no anti-trafficking statutes in New York – thankfully that is no longer true. In fact, New York recently passed an anti-trafficking law and is one of 40 states that have criminal anti-trafficking statutes on the books. But only half of those states have victim protection laws to help the survivors of slavery. You can find out more about child domestic slavery in Haiti [the restavek system] and what FTS is doing with partners to combat it here: http://www.freetheslaves.net/LimyeLaviAnd…FTS is featured on the Law & Order website: http://www.nbc.com/Law_and_Order/

although this episode is not based on any particular case, please take it to heart. the only thing worse than the actual atrocities is learning about them and doing nothing to stop it. visit the websites listed above, along with ijm.org to learn more about how to help slaves, former slaves and the people who are working to free them.

first day back

today was my first day back at work after 2 months off. all in all it was a good day. nobody asked me intruding questions, and i didn't get any weird looks from people. at first i was kind of timid setting up my computer for the day ( starting all of my software programs and logging into our phones and whatnot ) and forgot how to log into one of the programs. i ran through some options and then figured it out by myself...like a big girl. i remembered all of my passwords which was quite amazing!!
when i opened up my main database, i discovered i had 236 emails in my inbox! luckily most were either junk or so outdated that i knew someone had already handled them. it took me about an hour and a half to weed through them all and get caught up. later on i did assign myself some emails from our main work queue to handle and i think i completed 3 or 4 emails (i only worked 4 hours today). i did take 2 phone calls, which made me feel very apprehensive. they were easy ones though and both required me to transfer them to another department for assistance. i was a little slow answering the phone and multitasking, but i know it will come back to me soon! :)
please continue to pray for me as i make the transition back to work. i told my roomie tonight on the way home from small group that i didn't want to go to work tomorrow...she laughed :) but in all seriousness, i have never been a person who likes to be super structured at work and i hate the 40 hour work week. i was not created to be this typical american worker so it is really frustrating for me to get up in the morning knowing that i have to put in a day's work when there are other things i would rather be doing. i know i was very spoiled and fortunate to have this time off, and i definitely needed it, but it just showed me how i am not cut out for the standard daily grind. until God provides something different though, i need to be grateful to have a job, go to it willingly and enthusiastically every day.

expectations

since i have been on disability these last several weeks, i have been trying to pin point what threw me off course, if there was one thing in particular. while this may not be the 'the thing' that made me go crazy it certainly was one of the straws that broke the camel's back. that thing is expectations.

i am a person who has high expectations. i expect a lot out of myself. i expect a lot of my family. i expect a lot from my friends and those that i live with. i expect a lot from those that i work with and for. i don't expect perfection out of anyone but myself, but i do desire to see everyone else at least try to reach perfection or 'compliance' (if you will).

in comparing my expectations to those of other people and what they consider 'high' expectations, i found that my expectations were not that high. this depresses me even further. the fact that my expectations are not actually even high yet everyone seems to still not measure up. it was one thing to think 'maybe i am asking too much of people. that's why they never meet my expectation'. it's another thing to ponder 'it turns out i am not asking that much out of people, yet they still let me down. does this mean they don't care about me? does it mean that they are just plain irresponsible? does this mean that they are dumb and don't know how to do whatever simple thing i want them to be doing?'

these questions in the head of a passive aggressive person like me is not good. i don't like confrontation because i have never gotten good results from it. people just end up feeling guilty or shamed into whatever it is that i need/want from them and that's not the goal. on the other hand, passive aggressive techniques are lost on people who are clueless to their surroundings so i don't see results there either. again, this further depresses me because i feel helpless to fix the situation. i feel like i have to live with these conditions and i don't know how to. sure i could pick up everyone elses slack, but i shouldn't have to do that. there are measures put in place so that everyone can share the load (the expectation) yet when the load is not shared it all piles on to one person's shoulders (the dissapointment and depression and resentment begins).

i don't know how to live with expectations and i don't know how to live without them. however, until i learn how to assert myself and gain compliance to my expectations i am going to have to drop all expectations i have of others. so there you go world, i expect nothing of you.

now why do i feel even more depressed??

thanksgiving

it may be cliche to post a 'happy thanksgiving' post about all of the things i am grateful for, but those of you who know me know that i am cliche : ) so here it goes:

i am thankful for my great parents who are being so supportive of me right now. during this time of struggle with my depression i have needed almost constant 'supervision' until my new meds start working. they have been wonderful to me!

i am thankful for my diligent friends who keep checking up on me : ) you really do find out who your friends are when you go through hard times.

i am thankful that maggie is almost oblivious to what is going on with me. she still mopes a little and is cuddling with me a lot, but her tail still never stops wagging. playing with her and watching her run around makes me forget about my circumstances and cheers me up.

i am thankful for my job and the wonderful benefits that they have. so many people are out of work right now and are wondering where they are going to get money to eat and pay rent. my job has been paying me IN FULL during my time away on disability. what a blessing!

last but not least, i am thankful for my faith and that God has blessed me with His grace. every day i fail and fall short of what He requires, but every day He forgives me and shows me that true love restores the heart. i can't tell you why He allows bad things to happen in this world, but i can tell you that He is the greatest comfort i have ever found.

i hope that you can make your own list, however short or long, about what you are thankful for this year. it really does put things in perspective and makes me realize that even when we face struggles, we are still so blessed and are never without cause to be thankful.

happy thanksgiving everyone!

a wii bit of fun

last night i spent some time at my friend d's house playing wii. if you have never played wii, you need to make fast friends with someone who has one and get to playing. i have been wanting one for a while but didn't want to make the big leap and purchase one until i had a chance to play it and decide if i really couldn't live without it. tennis, bowling, baseball and guitar hero are really fun. i am basically a bowling master already. my roommate n and i really want to get a video game console so that we can sing karaoke american idol style ( after seeing baby mamma, we decided we couldn't live without this game for long ).

i was never a video gamer as a kid or teen. i don't have great hand-eye coordination so when mario brothers came out in the 80's and i couldn't even get past the first level, i gave up on 'vids'. wii, however, is another story and i cannot see myself going longer than a year without purchasing this for myself.

it's a brave new world

i give up

this post is really a downer, so if you don't feel like slitting your wrists today, i suggest you move on to something else.

i give up on trying to be responsible
i give up on investing in people only to have them spit in my face
i give up on hoping people will 'come around'
i give up on feeling guilty for things that aren't even my fault
i give up on trying to be open and share my life with others
i give up on giving people the benefit of the doubt

i give in to being cynical
i give in to being jaded
i give in to being hardened
i give in to being apathetic
i give in to becoming a person i don't even like for the sake of not having to struggle

i am going away with my mom for a few days to regain some type of sanity and life. i figured this would be a better option than joining a cult. not that being with my mom is like being in a cult... that's not the point i am making. the point is that i am extremely low. i have had serious thoughts lately of packing my belongings, as much as would fit in my car, and just moving somewhere. joining a life that my family and friends disapprove of so that i could cut ties and start over. i just want to withdraw from this life and start a new one. maybe then i could feel freer to show my true emotions and be a genuine person. or maybe i would find that no matter where you go, people are always going to let you down and there is no sense in trying to avoid it. learn to live with the bitterness and disappointment.

who knows

simple pleasures, installment 2

i have been lazy about my blog this last week. to be honest, i have been super 'blue' lately which is why i wanted to try to notice and take pleasure in the 'simple pleasures' in life day-to-day. sometimes i let life get away from me and i stop taking the time to enjoy what is going on around me. rest assured, even though i haven't blogged my simple pleasures lately i have still had my eye out.
picking up where i left off : )
saturday 10/10: making yummy, very spicy salsa
sunday:lunch w/ becky at the olive garden
monday:maggie was so incredibly happy i could have sworn her tail was going to fly off her backside
tuesday:beautiful watercolor sunrise
wednesday:i got 4 free compact fluorescent lightbulbs at work
thursday:i watched the office and snl with friends
friday:i wore jeans to work (i do every friday, but it is always a treat)
saturday:mom and i took maggie to the new dog park, the weather and the park were great
sunday:went shopping with mom for new bedroom décor
monday:bible study at the martens - we had good laughs there at the end : )
tuesday:i wore my favorite scarf

there you have it! i encourage you to keep a log for a while of these small things that make you smile. don't just keep looking at forests, keep your eyes open for the trees : )