wow, two in a row

even though these posts are a couple of months apart, sorry there are two downers in a row. i promise, i'm not turning this into a blog of lamentations :)

i must express some of my feelings though, not only to clear my own head but maybe to glean a little bit of advise or an 'i've been there too' from someone. sometimes it's good to know i'm not just a demanding jerk, and that what i'm thinking is normal.

there are a few things in life that i hate. things that i absolutely detest, and are definite deal breakers when it comes to the status of a relationship. being called a liar: probably number one on the list. number two (and the one i struggle with lately): being used.

i'm pretty sure no one likes feeling used. i think it's probably universal that people want their love, attention, good works, kindness, thoughtfulness returned by those they have bestowed these things on. i do not do these things with the intention of being repaid, but it gets really tiring to be the one who does these nice things and never gets anything back. am i the worlds best friend? no. a resounding NO. but i really try to do nice things for people and consider others in my actions.

example:
i try to leave a couple of minutes in the morning before heading to work to start the dishwasher or take out the recycling or tidy up. this not only eases my mind throughout the day, knowing that i did one or two things for the good of the household but since i am half of a team taking care of this house, it is a way to pitch in and get things done. i don't do it because it's the first thing i think of in the morning. i do it because i am intentional in trying to do something good, something that needs to be done. my eyes are always open to the things that need to be done. without being aware of my surroundings, everything would be left for my roommate to do or it wouldn't get done at all. living in a household with another person requires you to have your eyes peeled, take of the blinders and think of the big picture. for my own good, and that of the household.

ejemplo dos:
i listen to people when they are talking. if they are telling me their grocery list, if they are pouring their heart out to me, if they are telling a story-i listen. i do this because it is respectful and because i value that other person.

again, i don't do these things in order to be repaid. we can all think of the things we do to be 'nice' to others that we don't expect to be repaid or at least repaid in kind. but when you do 'whatever-it-is-that-makes-you- a-good-person', don't you hate it when there are people in your life that seem like they don't even realize that you are doing something nice? like they just expect it? this is what i hate. it makes my blood boil so hot that i'm surprised there is not steam coming from my skin.

i want to say 'how dare you be so involved in yourself that you don't think of others!' or 'your schedule/free time activities/family issues do not preclude you from being nice or thinking of others' needs!' it is normally those that are closest to us that offend us the most. the wounds that they cause are a lot deeper than those that people on the 'fringe' of our lives cause. how many couples get in fights because one person feels like they are always the one to take out the trash? how many friends fight because one half of the relationship feels that they are always the one to initiate social activities or the one who 'listens' while the other one is constantly gushing their drama?

for those of us on the receiving end of, well, NOT receiving, it's easy to feel used. you feel like the things you do are just expected and glossed over by those around you. you don't need or want a parade in your honor. if you are like me, you don't even need your actions recognized in the form of a thank you or a 'good job, sport'. you just want someone to do their part. pitch in. think about the big picture. think about others. think of how their actions or failure to act will effect others. something i heard a couple of years ago that i am really trying to ingrain in my mind, is a question which is to be asked whenever you notice something that needs done. i leave you with the question:

if not me, who? if not now, when? if not this, what?

lessons from my dog

you have probably read my blogs in the past mentioning my dog maggie; this is her! monday is her fourth birthday...don't let her bit of gray fool you :) she has been my little buddy for the last 4 years and i so enjoy having her around. she has even become a member of the whole family, being titled 'grandpuppy' by my mom and dad (who by the way were not dog people before her).

when i got her i wasn't expecting to learn anything from her, afterall, she's an animal. however, i have gleaned so much from this little canine and i thought i'd share some main points with you:

1. be careful when someone comes to the door, but once you know it's someone you like, be VERY EXCITED to see them. they are there to see YOU afterall.

2. cuddle with the people you love.

3. be willing to learn new things. especially when there is a treat at the end of your lesson.

4a. the simple act of being yourself is endearing

4b. the simple act of being yourself and doing what you were created and gifted to do brings worship to God.

5. whenever someone says 'you wanna go outside?' (or to a movie, game, etc) DO IT!

6. loyalty is very important

7. say hello to everyone you meet

8. to really get to know someone, you have to be open, vulnerable and willing to be a little uncomfortable (butt-sniffing comes to mind, though please let's leave that to the dogs)

now, there are a lot of other lessons i have learned from maggie, but these are some of the basics. i have also learned what it might be like for our Heavenly Father to deal with us...you parents out there can draw the same lesson from your relationship with your children. when she does something over and over again that she's not supposed to do, or she destroys something of mine, of course i am upset. in the end though, i still love her and want to see her do 'the right thing' a.k.a. not pee on the floor.
i am very thankful for maggie and her simple companionship. there have been times where she's the only 'friend' i felt i had, and she has been a great help to me through my times of intense anxiety.

happy 4th birthday to

magdalena juanita conchita alonzo riveres gonzales-gonzales

5 years later

i just realized that it has been 5 years to the day since my cancer mis-diagnosis. i'll never forget the events of that week and how they impacted those around me. my poor parents who didn't quite know what to do or think; and seth who was in the doctor's office with me when i was told my tumor had become cancerous. my friends didn't know what to say to comfort me, and my employer and teachers were thrown for a loop.
i had been diagnosed with a prolactinoma 7 years prior and had tried different medications to treat it, only to find that what didn't make me sick didn't shrink the tumor or was too expensive. i knew the health risks of not undergoing further treatment and kept a watchful eye on symptoms that would suggest my tumor was getting larger or was creating more problems. in january of 2004 i started experiencing some eye pain and my right eye was almost constantly hurting and blood-shot. this was alarming since the tumor sits right above the optic nerve and optic blood vessels. one major side effect of having a pituitary tumor is that you have the possibility of going blind or severely harming the nerves due to it's location. with this concern, i went to urgency care to get it checked out. one thing lead to another, i had an mri the next day and that evening they called me in to share my results...'but be sure to bring someone with you' they said. sheesh!! it was then that i knew something was up and that there was cause for greater concern. seth went with me and was holding my hand as the doctor explained that the tumor had become cancerous and that they were going to need to start treatment. he made an appointment for me to see a neurosurgeon on friday of that week to discuss my 'treatment options'. it was a pretty somber and frightening week. i withdrew from school, went on disability at starbucks and canceled all of my other commitments. i had peace throughout everything that the outcome of all of this would be good, but it still didn't calm my immediate fears of loosing my hair, having brain surgery, etc.
the end of my sureal week came on friday when the neurosurgeon told us (my parents were in the room with me this time) that he had consulted with other doctors and didn't feel that the tumor was cancerous. at first i was shocked and wondered if he was wrong. then i knew that it was the peaceful outcome God had promised me. the fear and anxiety drained out of my parents' faces and we were all glad to hear the good news. it was this event that served as a 'wake-up call' for me regarding my handling of the tumor issue. God very loudly and almost audibly told me that this was His problem to fix and that He would take care of it Himself. all other health matters were up to me to go to a doctor if i wanted, but for this He asked for my faith and patience. ever since, i have done just that. no worries about my tumor-only prayers lifting up my concerns to Him to address. He may never take it from me or allow me to seek medical treatment, and that has to be okay with me. in fact, it IS okay with me. it's such a great release to say 'i'm not dealing with that. God will take care of it if He wants to'. my doctors hate that response i'm sure, but i know i'm doing what i have been told to do by my Great Physician.

first day back

today was my first day back at work after 2 months off. all in all it was a good day. nobody asked me intruding questions, and i didn't get any weird looks from people. at first i was kind of timid setting up my computer for the day ( starting all of my software programs and logging into our phones and whatnot ) and forgot how to log into one of the programs. i ran through some options and then figured it out by myself...like a big girl. i remembered all of my passwords which was quite amazing!!
when i opened up my main database, i discovered i had 236 emails in my inbox! luckily most were either junk or so outdated that i knew someone had already handled them. it took me about an hour and a half to weed through them all and get caught up. later on i did assign myself some emails from our main work queue to handle and i think i completed 3 or 4 emails (i only worked 4 hours today). i did take 2 phone calls, which made me feel very apprehensive. they were easy ones though and both required me to transfer them to another department for assistance. i was a little slow answering the phone and multitasking, but i know it will come back to me soon! :)
please continue to pray for me as i make the transition back to work. i told my roomie tonight on the way home from small group that i didn't want to go to work tomorrow...she laughed :) but in all seriousness, i have never been a person who likes to be super structured at work and i hate the 40 hour work week. i was not created to be this typical american worker so it is really frustrating for me to get up in the morning knowing that i have to put in a day's work when there are other things i would rather be doing. i know i was very spoiled and fortunate to have this time off, and i definitely needed it, but it just showed me how i am not cut out for the standard daily grind. until God provides something different though, i need to be grateful to have a job, go to it willingly and enthusiastically every day.

i give up

this post is really a downer, so if you don't feel like slitting your wrists today, i suggest you move on to something else.

i give up on trying to be responsible
i give up on investing in people only to have them spit in my face
i give up on hoping people will 'come around'
i give up on feeling guilty for things that aren't even my fault
i give up on trying to be open and share my life with others
i give up on giving people the benefit of the doubt

i give in to being cynical
i give in to being jaded
i give in to being hardened
i give in to being apathetic
i give in to becoming a person i don't even like for the sake of not having to struggle

i am going away with my mom for a few days to regain some type of sanity and life. i figured this would be a better option than joining a cult. not that being with my mom is like being in a cult... that's not the point i am making. the point is that i am extremely low. i have had serious thoughts lately of packing my belongings, as much as would fit in my car, and just moving somewhere. joining a life that my family and friends disapprove of so that i could cut ties and start over. i just want to withdraw from this life and start a new one. maybe then i could feel freer to show my true emotions and be a genuine person. or maybe i would find that no matter where you go, people are always going to let you down and there is no sense in trying to avoid it. learn to live with the bitterness and disappointment.

who knows

simple pleasures, installment 2

i have been lazy about my blog this last week. to be honest, i have been super 'blue' lately which is why i wanted to try to notice and take pleasure in the 'simple pleasures' in life day-to-day. sometimes i let life get away from me and i stop taking the time to enjoy what is going on around me. rest assured, even though i haven't blogged my simple pleasures lately i have still had my eye out.
picking up where i left off : )
saturday 10/10: making yummy, very spicy salsa
sunday:lunch w/ becky at the olive garden
monday:maggie was so incredibly happy i could have sworn her tail was going to fly off her backside
tuesday:beautiful watercolor sunrise
wednesday:i got 4 free compact fluorescent lightbulbs at work
thursday:i watched the office and snl with friends
friday:i wore jeans to work (i do every friday, but it is always a treat)
saturday:mom and i took maggie to the new dog park, the weather and the park were great
sunday:went shopping with mom for new bedroom décor
monday:bible study at the martens - we had good laughs there at the end : )
tuesday:i wore my favorite scarf

there you have it! i encourage you to keep a log for a while of these small things that make you smile. don't just keep looking at forests, keep your eyes open for the trees : )

simple pleasures

so wednesday i posted about my love of my sweatshirt. this prompted me to think about the simple pleasures in life. it is my goal for the next two weeks to find one simple thing every day to be happy about or cheered up by.

wednesday: my hoosier sweatshirt
thursday: i saw two deer crossing lake road
friday: the word snow was said for the first time since last winter

i will keep you all updated and on the edge of your seats...i wonder what tomorrow will bring?? : )

identity crisis

well, today it is official. my name has changed. at work, that is.

for the last two years i have been listed by my full legal first name, middle initial and last name in our databases at work. the reason i had my middle initial was to differentiate myself from another woman in a different office with the same first and last name. middle initial and all, we still got eachother's phone calls, emails and instant messages. we would forward everything on to one another and got pretty used to the hassle but i decided to put an end to it once and for all by changing my first name to my 'nickname' and removing the middle initial.

this change has thrown me for a loop though! at every job i have been at, all paperwork and computers listed me with my full name - never my nickname. even at school most classes had me listed with my full name. to see my short little name all over everything now is pretty odd. i don't know how i like it. even though my entire life i have been 'referred to' as my nickname, the long name was always there. now it is gone. it's almost disconcerting. i know i will get over it at some point and my little name will become normal but it may take a while.

i have always wondered if i would change my last name when i got married. i love my last name ( my first and middle names too!) and am soooo attached to it. this pretty much cements it. i will never change my last name.

to my girls

this afternoon my friend katrina and i went to see 'the sisterhood of the traveling pants 2', even though neither one of us had seen the first one : ) what a cute movie it was! we both cried a little, as it hits some of those universal 'girl' issues and the characters have such a bond. what i came away with though was such an appreciation for all of the girls in my life that have played such an integral role in shaping me.

it reminded me of the times my girlfriends and i have taken road trips
-chicago with elisa, sharon and kristyl
-the glorieta trips and mission trips with michelle, carla, chele,paige, amy and katrina
-southern california with heidi, carla and michelle
-caribbean cruise with michelle and beth
-the idaho fiasco of 2004 with sam

and also of the crazy things we have done together
-running out in thunderstorms, navigating the tunnels w/ my ntbi girls
-girl's night at the wiesers (when they were gone and michelle and i house sat ) where we all planned our weddings (bsm girls )
-30 second dance parties
-house sitting at the warman's and thinking the house was broken into ( sam, becky and deanna)
-gone snipe hunting in the middle of the night (sam, brianna, and a bunch of guys)
-moving in together (n and d)

these things mentioned above are only a fraction of the memories we have together; some of the girls i named are like the sisters i never had. i thank God upon every memory of them for their friendship and encouragement. there have been times where we have been together and i wished that the moment would never end. i knew in those moments that what i had was so special that i would never be the same.

thank you, my sisters for being my friends, my encouragers, my partners in crime, my sounding boards, my good sense, and my prayer partners.

i love you all!

if only it weren't science fiction

with all the buzz about the large hadron collider in europe, the science geek in me has blossomed. luckily, i am surrounded by science geeks at work.

one of the conversations that took place today was regarding loosing gravity and it's relation to black holes and alternate universes. in a theoretical alternate universe we discussed, there was no gravity....there are benefits to this universe, we decided. here are some of them:

-no anti-aging cream needed
-no more pesky 'walking'
-screws and nails would be very valuable, due to having to affix all furniture and fixtures to floors and walls
-the concept of seeing floating people in horror movies is no longer scary. what is scary now is seeing people standing still...'they aren't floating, they must have special gravity powers'
-no shoes required. elbow pads and helmets recommended
-the paralyzed are no longer confined to wheelchairs and rascals
-travel is very cheap, as you don't need an 'aeroplane' to fly

there were no downsides discussed. this universe is without downfall. because in a world without gravity there is no 'down'.

(get it? : ) if you didn't, you need to geek up. )

add it to the reading list

there is a book called 'having a mary heart in a martha world' by joanna weaver.

apparently i need to read it.

does anyone else struggle with this?

i would love to be a 'mary' and just roll with the punches. 'sure! invite 70 more people for dinner. it's no big deal' or 'oh, sure, come on over. i'll run errands another time' or ' don't worry about cleaning that up. you go have fun, i'll take care of it'.

but alas, i am a 'martha'. 'no, i am only cooking for 8. this is what i planned. i am not a short-order cook' or 'come over later, please. if i don't run my errands now then my whole day will be off' or 'clean it up yourself. be responsible'.

mary has a soft heart and is gracious. but don't let that fool you, her generosity can be rude in the way it effects others. martha is ordered and conscientious. but again, she can seem rude and brash and ungracious.

there is nothing inherently wrong with either one of these women. the trick is balance.

i am not good at balance.

the reasons that come to mind when i make an argument against the 'mary' opinion seem shallow and not what Jesus would do ( wouldn't He just set another plate?). on the flip side, my 'martha' arguments can seem like there are no boundaries and people should be doormats (we need to cut it off somewhere! ).

i guess i have some reading to do.

28 things i love...

the beach
fancy things
pretty fingernails
rice
puppies
memories of college
vanilla ice cream
traveling
documentaries
doodling
vacuuming
dahlias
yellow
white puffy clouds
spreadsheets
parakeets
new clothes
eye drops
swimming
clean bedding
feta cheese
drives in the country
earrings
naps
having the windows open
brownies
stories kids tell
HGTV

lessons learned from hollywood

last night my roomies, los animales,JVB and i watched 'vantage point'. the movie's subject is the attempted assassination of a US president who was speaking at an international peace summit in spain. the story is the assassination from the 'vantage point' of 6 different individuals.

webster's dictionary defines 'vantage point' as: a position or standpoint from which something is viewed or considered. this definition alludes to the 'point' being a physical or emotional place, not a principle as i once thought. throughout the film we witness the shooting as the different characters saw it with their eyes. we also see 23 minutes of their life before the shooting. i think this gives an interesting angle to the storytelling. what they were doing before the event shaped how they perceived it. it set up their vantage point.

we all have certain opinions of events, people, politics, religious principles, etc. these opinions shape emotions -hopefuly not the other way around!- and eventually become personally held truths (thank you psych 101) about 'the way things are' or 'ought to be'. there are some opinions that are wrong; those that go against blatant black and white scripture commandments for example, but there are others that are grey or have no 'color' because they are amoral. it is these opinions, feelings and thoughts that, if considered with grace, can offer great insight into other's lives. we can understand their childhood, relationships with family members; we can see who has encouraged them and who has torn them apart. bad choices. good choices. forgiveness and bitterness. all of these experiences color the glasses we see the world through - our emotional and physical vantage point.

God in His mercy has extended small ( very small - minuscule ) little drops of mercy to me to extend to others, as i am not a merciful person by nature. this mercy has allowed me to consider others' vantage points and understand how they are feeling/thinking. when we take the time to invest in another person we not only see the surface situation (the shooting, as it were) but also the background (the 23 minutes before the shooting) which can help us be a better friend and understand them in a new way.

deep principle from a 90 minute movie.

great compassion

last night i went to dinner with my girlfriends sam and stacy. we were 'celebrating' and saying good bye to stacy as she is going back to south asia to work with a human rights agency there. stacy has long been an inspiration to me in her compassion she possesses for all people. i have a huge tendency to judge and think 'people brought this on themselves' and 'if they wanted out of their bad situation they could get out'. i know this isn't always an accurate assessment of people's life conditions, but it is just how my sinful attitude goes sometimes. stacy, on the other hand, has always defended the people she comes in contact with; trying to understand their situations and show them love rather than pass undue judgement. her heart is so big and the Lord has used her (and will continue to use her) to show me the hurting world around me. on the way home, me and sam were talking about places we would like to live or visit someday. sam loves africa and has a burden for the children there. i expressed that at one time i too had a burden for the people of that continent. she asked why i didn't anymore and it really caused me to think. i replied that i think it's rooted in fear. fear that if i went there and saw what conditions the people there live in that my heart would break and i'd never get over it. i feel like anything i ever did would never be enough and i could never solve the situation myself so i had better just stay out of it and 'save' my heart. 'what a backwards thought' i said. sam replied with ' you may not be able to change the lives of all the people, but you may be able to change the life of one person'. wow. this is something i have heard so many times, and have probably said it myself, but it really hit me just then. changing one life for the better is worth my broken heart. Jesus' body was beaten and bruised beyond recognition for my life. though He did it for all mankind, He would have done it just for me. no questions asked, no blaming me for getting my life screwed up, just heartbreaking compassion and an intense desire to see me restored.
i can't say that i am moving to uganda tomorrow to build an HIV clinic, or that i am going to move to india to save girls from prostitution or give every penny i make to humanitarian organizations; but i understand now what is expected of my heart and that if i am called to reach out to the hurting i have to do it without hesitation. my fear is not an excuse for another person not getting to experience God's great compassion.

lingua non-conforma

i am reading a book called "the mother tongue: english and how it got that way" by bill bryson. i have been a fan of bill's since partially reading " a short history of nearly everything" a few years ago. this book caught my eye just as i was leaving borders the other day...empty handed i might add. i love learning about language, and especially since now i live with N who studied linguistics in college i hear a lot about the subject. it fascinates me how we can form thoughts, turn them into words that actually have value in our culture, say them, have them be understood ( most of the time ) by the listener and communicate a message. incredible. this book is about how english came to be and how it is such an amalgamation of german, celtic, gaelic, french and latin. history of language and people movement is covered starting at the beginning of time with 'cro-magnon man'. today i learned about how we have made up words as well as how we effectively destroy some of them with lazy speech patterns. here are some of the interesting things i have learned over the past few days in reading:
* shakespeare made up over 1,700 words...bump being one of them
* the city of paris' name is not french, it is celtic. (take that D :)
* english is the only language that needs/has a thesaurus. we have over 60k synonyms.
* in 1290, 'nice' meant foolish and stupid. in 1350 it meant wanton and lascivious. over the next 400 years it also meant extravagant, unmanly, modest, slight, shy, and dainty. in 1769 it finally made it to something of it's current meaning: pleasant and agreeable.
*in the language pekignese, the sound for 'yi' stands for 215 separate words.
you may thing it was an odd pick for leisurely reading, but i really recommend it. there is no heroine to fall in love with and no action packed pages, but it's so very interesting that i can hardly put it down.
i'm off to read more now!

falling apart

i didn't go to church this morning, mainly because i didn't feel like going. i have been dealing with some issues lately that nag at my heart. i kind of took my time getting ready for the day and got on to the church website looking for who knows what. i decided to watch a video sermon ( since i wasn't going to church i had better 'redeem' myself, right? ) from living hope, and came across one that danny clinton had preached a while back. i love listening to danny so i decided to play it. i didn't really know what i was in for. the sermon touched on every point that is sour in my heart right now. bitterness. selfishness. pride. noise. these are not things i like to admit, but i figure we all deal with them at some point so why not own up to it? why am i so dead-set on ME? i love others, so why do i really only want to see my will accomplished? and now that i know and see these things, how is God going to make something good out of it? my answer will be different than yours, but i encourage you to watch the video and see for yourself what this message is all about. i guarantee this message is for everyone.
http://livinghopechurch.com/group/lhc/media_video/player/352

welcome!

as some of you know, i used to host a green blog on blogger. let's just say i got tired of it. not the blogging itself but the research i was doing to be able to post an intelligent article. this experience did allow me to realize that i love blogging and sharing my life with others. this is why i am now creating a personal blog. i will still post green tips on here so don't worry - cause i know you were going to worry : )
this blog will feature daily events in the kingmaulmeland residence, special outings, random thoughts about life, etc. when i was considering what my web address was going to be for this blog i thought of a few. one that stood out was: bloggingmakesmefeellikedoogiehowser. remember doogie? how he journaled on his computer every night before going to bed? that's how blogging makes me feel, but it's good. doogie had to process his thoughts regularly and so do i. here is my forum.