wow, two in a row

even though these posts are a couple of months apart, sorry there are two downers in a row. i promise, i'm not turning this into a blog of lamentations :)

i must express some of my feelings though, not only to clear my own head but maybe to glean a little bit of advise or an 'i've been there too' from someone. sometimes it's good to know i'm not just a demanding jerk, and that what i'm thinking is normal.

there are a few things in life that i hate. things that i absolutely detest, and are definite deal breakers when it comes to the status of a relationship. being called a liar: probably number one on the list. number two (and the one i struggle with lately): being used.

i'm pretty sure no one likes feeling used. i think it's probably universal that people want their love, attention, good works, kindness, thoughtfulness returned by those they have bestowed these things on. i do not do these things with the intention of being repaid, but it gets really tiring to be the one who does these nice things and never gets anything back. am i the worlds best friend? no. a resounding NO. but i really try to do nice things for people and consider others in my actions.

example:
i try to leave a couple of minutes in the morning before heading to work to start the dishwasher or take out the recycling or tidy up. this not only eases my mind throughout the day, knowing that i did one or two things for the good of the household but since i am half of a team taking care of this house, it is a way to pitch in and get things done. i don't do it because it's the first thing i think of in the morning. i do it because i am intentional in trying to do something good, something that needs to be done. my eyes are always open to the things that need to be done. without being aware of my surroundings, everything would be left for my roommate to do or it wouldn't get done at all. living in a household with another person requires you to have your eyes peeled, take of the blinders and think of the big picture. for my own good, and that of the household.

ejemplo dos:
i listen to people when they are talking. if they are telling me their grocery list, if they are pouring their heart out to me, if they are telling a story-i listen. i do this because it is respectful and because i value that other person.

again, i don't do these things in order to be repaid. we can all think of the things we do to be 'nice' to others that we don't expect to be repaid or at least repaid in kind. but when you do 'whatever-it-is-that-makes-you- a-good-person', don't you hate it when there are people in your life that seem like they don't even realize that you are doing something nice? like they just expect it? this is what i hate. it makes my blood boil so hot that i'm surprised there is not steam coming from my skin.

i want to say 'how dare you be so involved in yourself that you don't think of others!' or 'your schedule/free time activities/family issues do not preclude you from being nice or thinking of others' needs!' it is normally those that are closest to us that offend us the most. the wounds that they cause are a lot deeper than those that people on the 'fringe' of our lives cause. how many couples get in fights because one person feels like they are always the one to take out the trash? how many friends fight because one half of the relationship feels that they are always the one to initiate social activities or the one who 'listens' while the other one is constantly gushing their drama?

for those of us on the receiving end of, well, NOT receiving, it's easy to feel used. you feel like the things you do are just expected and glossed over by those around you. you don't need or want a parade in your honor. if you are like me, you don't even need your actions recognized in the form of a thank you or a 'good job, sport'. you just want someone to do their part. pitch in. think about the big picture. think about others. think of how their actions or failure to act will effect others. something i heard a couple of years ago that i am really trying to ingrain in my mind, is a question which is to be asked whenever you notice something that needs done. i leave you with the question:

if not me, who? if not now, when? if not this, what?

yikes! it's been a while, eh?

well hello again friends! :) i'm not quite sure what caused me to be so derelict in my blogging but i promise it will never happen again. i know i've kept you all waiting on the edge of your seats the last three months ; )
seeing that it HAS been three months since i have posted, let me fill you in!
october...nothing really interesting happened. didn't do anything on halloween, i think i may have been sick?
november....not too much to report in the beginning of the month. middle of the month becky and i applied for our new apartment (which we now live in...details up soon) and i started getting ready for yet ANOTHER move this year. i have moved 6 times in the last 4 years. i'm done moving to say the least! thanksgiving was super low key. mom had pneumonia so i made dinner for dad, seth and myself. it turned out really well, and i made it super easy on myself by doing the sweet potatoes and green beans in crockpots. i highly recommend this method of cooking! it totally left the oven open for cooking the turkey and dressing. it also cut down on some of my 'kitchen time' since the crockpots were already cooking away. the down side of thanksgiving was when i realized that the dishwasher detergent compartment was not closing. at. all. this meant that i got to wash all of the dishes by hand. i know some of you who do not have a dishwasher would not think this is a huge deal. please understand me. i am a child of the 80's. i have never in my youth or adulthood lived in a house without a dishwasher. washing a dinner's (especially thanksgiving) worth of dishes is not fun. it hurt my back and gave me dishpan hands. sick.
black friday was great fun, as i went shopping with my dear friend carla. we hit target, bed bath and beyond and joann fabrics. scored big time on some things i have been holding our for like a cricut cutting machine for crafting. i got it $100 off!!
at the beginning of december i moved into the apartment. for the first couple of weeks i was by myself as becky hadn't moved yet. it was refreshing to be here alone for a while. for the last year and a half i have lived with other people (roomies and my family) so it was nice to have the place to myself and have some alone time. as time went on and becky moved in, the house started looking more like it was inhabited by women and not college aged males. we're still not completely settled, but it is definitely liveable. i am excited to have a spare room (we got a 3 bed/2bath apt) where i will be able to set up my craft and sewing stuff. the thing i hate about crafting is having to pack everything up and put it away. such a buzz kill! but once i get that all set up i won't have to worry about that anymore. it will be so fun and i'm sure i will craft a whole lot more than i do now.
there are more things i am going to post on soon, like recent awesome developments in my health and what the Lord is doing in this little life of mine. stay tuned. same bat time, same bat channel.

belated fathers day gift/surprise bathroom remodel for daddy

when my dad told my mom and me a few weeks back that he was going to florida for a work trip, we immediately began scheming to remodel the front bathroom while he was gone. the bathroom has been needing an update for several years. things just weren't coming clean anymore and no matter how hard we tried, it just never looked good. the toilet and sink were so hard water stained that they constantly looked dirty and grimy. it was kind of embarrassing to have people over...we hoped they had used the bathroom before coming over! :)
also, there has been water damage under the floor for many years. dad and i did some updating in '96 in the bathroom and the wax ring we put down at that time didn't seal properly. water had been seeping into the floor for several years before we found out what the problem was. we replaced it a few years ago so it stopped leaking but of course that was too late for the floor.
check out our pics from the whirlwind surprise project!

old pain job (circa 1996) w/ medicine cabinet and old vanity light

no matter how we scrubbed or what cleaners we used it NEVER came clean

the floor was separating from the bathtub since it was old and water damaged

yeah, it's a tiny bathroom!

we put those shower doors up in '96 and i liked them for all of one day. i HATE shower doors now because they are so hard to keep clean! they are also inconvenient if you have children or pets to bathe because you have to lean over the tracks and that's really uncomfortable! :(

thursday night after the water damaged sub-floor was ripped up, this is what we found of the floor boards

oh we were not excited to find rot in the floor boards! our friend steve was helping during this whole process, so he cut the board out and replaced it with a nice pressure treated piece. that's the toilet drain on the right, also messed up because of the water damaged floor.

cabinet doors drying in the sun

new sub floor is laid and the vanity is painted. after my mom did such a great job of painting that front panel...i leaned into it and ruined it!! good goin', me!

here i am with the trowel getting ready to put down leveling compound on the new subfloor. for the hour prior to this i had been under the sink trying to disconnect the water lines from the sink. the hot water bolt came off with a little work, but the right one never did come off for me. i wrenched on that bolt so hard that i really hurt my shoulder and joked about getting a hernia! i am actually going to urgent care tomorrow to see if it my shoulder torn or sprained!!

saturday night after we had set the new sink and i laid the floor tile, steve sat the toilet. i had done this with my dad before but still didn't feel comfortable doing it myself. i'm glad steve has such a servant's heart and was so patient to help!!!!

sunday afternoon finished product!! today i laid the cove moulding at the floor/wall joint, hung the mirror, grouted the tile backsplash around the counter and some other little things. mom hung the shower curtain and the pic above the toilet. looks pretty!

close up of the vinyl floor tile

we didn't have time to put the doors back on the vanity before dad came home, so i just set them up against it. yes, we still haven't repainted the front panel of the vanity i ruined :) please notice the tile backsplash...i have never done tile before, and i did this all by myself!! i'm pretty proud if you can't tell :)

dad was really surprised to see what we had done. he's not one to really be excited about things so we still don't really know how he feels about it all. : ) he works so hard on his business and because of that doesn't have the time or energy to tackle projects like this, so we hope he does like it and understands we did it because we appreciate him not because we thought he'd never do it.

happy belated father's day, daddy! i hope you like it and know how much love we put into this project...because WE LOVE YOU! you're the best dad i ever had! :)

fun times

last saturday we went to the portland international rose test garden in portland, oregon. the occassion (though you definitely don't need an occassion to go!) was my mom's birthday and she had never been up to the garden. mom, dad and i met up with seth and breanne and made our way through the seemingly endless rows of roses. some were so bright, almost neon, while others were so pale you could hardly tell what color they were supposed to be! it was a great day for being outside too. as you may know, our weather around here is a little 'ify' at best this time of year so you never really know what you're going to get. on our day it was warm, overcast (great for pictures) and not a drop of rain!

as we walked around the flowers we found fun places to have our pictures taken, then settled in one of the courtyard for some family photos. i set up my tripod and snapped away. i love photography so it was fun to have some captive subjects :)

after we were done at the garden we drove down to pf changs in the heart of the pearl district. we had quite the wait (because someone, who shall remain nameless...ok, me, didn't make reservations) but it was worth it. my mom highly recommends the shrimp in lobster sauce and the dynamite shrimp! ;)

here are some pics from our day:

seth and me

can you feel the love?

awww...

mom and dad

seth and breanne

the whole family

post of pics

we took jesse and two of my mom's old day care kids to the park...typical face for him :)

us at the oregon zoo

bekah, becky and me at the beth moore conference @ memorial colluseum. absolutely life changing! so much fun, great worship and 7,000 other women being touched by the Holy Spirit through that wonderful woman.

a march trip to cannon beach w/ friends

this video is of us using a GINORMOUS piece of kelp as a jump rope. oh the entertainment one can find at the beach :) darlene was on camera duty, feng and i were swinging the 'rope' and nicole and debbi were the athletes

It's been a long time

Hello :)
i took a sabatical from blogging basically because my life was pretty boring for a while :) i have moved back in with my parents for a while to pay off my debt and save some money. this savings will either go to purchasing a condo or getting me back on my feet in an apartment so i can pursue education.
currently i am considering going to nursing school at clark which means i need to complete my prerequisites in a few sciences. i am not afraid of the courses since i love science and am in such a different place than i was when i was at clark years ago. okay, so i am actually in the same physical place, living w/ mom and dad but in a much different place emotionally and in my maturity. :)
if you have known my educational hopes in the past 6 months you might be wondering what happened to midwifery and lactation consulting. well, i have not given up on these but have moved them to the back of the educational line. while i could work independently as a lactation consultant, i would like to have the option of working in a hospital as it provides a more stable work schedule. the same goes for midwifery. in washington and oregon midwives and lactation consultants can practice outside of the hospital in homes and in birthing centers. however, this requires me to make a significant investment in supplies/facility that is a risk i don't really want to take. i grew up watching my parents struggle in their home-based businesses and i just don't like the insecurity of maybe or maybe not having 'customers'. to work in a hospital requires an RN for lactation and a masters degree in midwifery for being a nurse midwife. thus my decision to pursue my RN before anything else. besides, maybe going through my labor and delivery rotation will completely turn me off to the birth process...at least i have other options as an RN!
i have started going back to therapy on a weekly basis (i was down to once a month) and am hoping it will be a big help. i am just unable to take my antidepressants because of all the physical side effects, though the medicine works SO WELL to regulate my moods. i see a nice christian woman, which makes it easier to talk about all of my issues. she is able to offer support on an emotional, physical and spiritual level and i think that makes all the difference in the world when dealing with depression. though i am not a person who thinks that praying harder and reading your bible more will cure your mood disorder, spirituality definitely plays a part in recovering from these issues.
i have been having a ton of fun lately with my nephew jesse! we have been to the parks, the oregon zoo, we shop, cook and of course color. he's so well behaved and has such a great personality, i just love him being around. he likes coming over here too because he gets special blueberry 'pannycakes' and he also likes to chase and play with maggie.
i guess that's a brief synopsis of some of my life recently. i'll post a blog entry of pictures, and then one about my most recent trip to see my college roommies from NTBI.

lessons from my dog

you have probably read my blogs in the past mentioning my dog maggie; this is her! monday is her fourth birthday...don't let her bit of gray fool you :) she has been my little buddy for the last 4 years and i so enjoy having her around. she has even become a member of the whole family, being titled 'grandpuppy' by my mom and dad (who by the way were not dog people before her).

when i got her i wasn't expecting to learn anything from her, afterall, she's an animal. however, i have gleaned so much from this little canine and i thought i'd share some main points with you:

1. be careful when someone comes to the door, but once you know it's someone you like, be VERY EXCITED to see them. they are there to see YOU afterall.

2. cuddle with the people you love.

3. be willing to learn new things. especially when there is a treat at the end of your lesson.

4a. the simple act of being yourself is endearing

4b. the simple act of being yourself and doing what you were created and gifted to do brings worship to God.

5. whenever someone says 'you wanna go outside?' (or to a movie, game, etc) DO IT!

6. loyalty is very important

7. say hello to everyone you meet

8. to really get to know someone, you have to be open, vulnerable and willing to be a little uncomfortable (butt-sniffing comes to mind, though please let's leave that to the dogs)

now, there are a lot of other lessons i have learned from maggie, but these are some of the basics. i have also learned what it might be like for our Heavenly Father to deal with us...you parents out there can draw the same lesson from your relationship with your children. when she does something over and over again that she's not supposed to do, or she destroys something of mine, of course i am upset. in the end though, i still love her and want to see her do 'the right thing' a.k.a. not pee on the floor.
i am very thankful for maggie and her simple companionship. there have been times where she's the only 'friend' i felt i had, and she has been a great help to me through my times of intense anxiety.

happy 4th birthday to

magdalena juanita conchita alonzo riveres gonzales-gonzales

jouvenile fun

lately my parents and i have been taking care of my nephew j almost every weekend. though we are sad about the reason why we are seeing so much of him, we are so glad to be able to build relationships with him.
we have had some good fun together lately too, just me and him. he loves maggie and gets a kick out of watching her run around and chase things. we have gone to the park a couple of times, gone shopping, watched movies, cooked and grocery shopping has never been so fun as it was a couple weeks ago!...okay, i have to elaborate on that a little...we went to whole foods, which if you have ever been there you know that they carry 'whole' foods and some pretty wacky items. the seafood section was an absolute amazement to him because he had never seen a whole fish at the store or a whole crab, live lobster, whole chicken or anything in it's somewhat 'natural' state. we went down the asian food section where i was getting some nori for sushi, and he saw some crazy sea urchin looking thing and BEGGED me to buy it for him because "i love this stuff. i eat it all the time" he said. yeah right!! i know the type of food this kid eats and it certainly isn't sea urchin. we then went to the book section of the store (i tried to find a cookbook to no avail :( ) where apparently he had been NEEDING every single book we saw. i couldn't contain my amusement any longer when he picked up a certain book and wanted me to purchase it for him. here's the dialogue:
j: oh man aunt k, i NEED this book. i have been looking for it everywhere!
me: really? THAT book?
j: yeah! it's so good and i have been wanting it for a long time. will you buy it for me?
me: do you know what that book is about?
j: no, but i really need it!
me: j, do you like to eat?
j: (with a look of 'um, duh! of course i like to eat!') yeah!
me: well, that book is about NOT eating.
j: silent, but his face is quizzical....then he speaks..WHAT?!?!? (in a tone that spoke for itself)
me: yeah, i don't think you want that book. maybe when you are older and your liver is dying from preservative overload and cholesterol....
the book was about doing a fasting cleanse for your liver! :) he was such a crack up. we spent about an hour and a half at whole foods looking at everything. i think he has a crush on the cheese sample lady,too.
it's fun to see the world through kid glasses and experience things in a different way. he is still my family, mind you, so he does have quite the ornery side! :) he certainly is a cutie though and i just love spending time with him.

5 years later

i just realized that it has been 5 years to the day since my cancer mis-diagnosis. i'll never forget the events of that week and how they impacted those around me. my poor parents who didn't quite know what to do or think; and seth who was in the doctor's office with me when i was told my tumor had become cancerous. my friends didn't know what to say to comfort me, and my employer and teachers were thrown for a loop.
i had been diagnosed with a prolactinoma 7 years prior and had tried different medications to treat it, only to find that what didn't make me sick didn't shrink the tumor or was too expensive. i knew the health risks of not undergoing further treatment and kept a watchful eye on symptoms that would suggest my tumor was getting larger or was creating more problems. in january of 2004 i started experiencing some eye pain and my right eye was almost constantly hurting and blood-shot. this was alarming since the tumor sits right above the optic nerve and optic blood vessels. one major side effect of having a pituitary tumor is that you have the possibility of going blind or severely harming the nerves due to it's location. with this concern, i went to urgency care to get it checked out. one thing lead to another, i had an mri the next day and that evening they called me in to share my results...'but be sure to bring someone with you' they said. sheesh!! it was then that i knew something was up and that there was cause for greater concern. seth went with me and was holding my hand as the doctor explained that the tumor had become cancerous and that they were going to need to start treatment. he made an appointment for me to see a neurosurgeon on friday of that week to discuss my 'treatment options'. it was a pretty somber and frightening week. i withdrew from school, went on disability at starbucks and canceled all of my other commitments. i had peace throughout everything that the outcome of all of this would be good, but it still didn't calm my immediate fears of loosing my hair, having brain surgery, etc.
the end of my sureal week came on friday when the neurosurgeon told us (my parents were in the room with me this time) that he had consulted with other doctors and didn't feel that the tumor was cancerous. at first i was shocked and wondered if he was wrong. then i knew that it was the peaceful outcome God had promised me. the fear and anxiety drained out of my parents' faces and we were all glad to hear the good news. it was this event that served as a 'wake-up call' for me regarding my handling of the tumor issue. God very loudly and almost audibly told me that this was His problem to fix and that He would take care of it Himself. all other health matters were up to me to go to a doctor if i wanted, but for this He asked for my faith and patience. ever since, i have done just that. no worries about my tumor-only prayers lifting up my concerns to Him to address. He may never take it from me or allow me to seek medical treatment, and that has to be okay with me. in fact, it IS okay with me. it's such a great release to say 'i'm not dealing with that. God will take care of it if He wants to'. my doctors hate that response i'm sure, but i know i'm doing what i have been told to do by my Great Physician.

merry christmas from the family

christmas at the family homestead was pretty low key this year. it seems that as you get older and people have commitments to other families (in-laws and such) that you don't get quite as worked up about christmas morning as you used to. it's still a wonderful time of course to get together and spend time with eachother and celebrate our Savior's birth. there are still surprises to be had as well as you open up all of your presents from friends and family near and far.

mom and i made a big christmas breakfast since everyone was getting together in the morning before heading out to see other family.

jeff and jesse came by...they really are happy people i promise :)

breanne, seth and i

dad doesn't need to by books for a while, he's pretty set

after breakfast and present opening we just hung around the house. family called from florida, indiana, california and up north in bothell so we got to share christmas with extended family even if it was by phone.

i hope you all had a wonderful christmas and got to spend some quality time with your families.

only 354 more days until next christmas!!